Introduction

There are four types of personality disorders people:

• Normal human beings
• Fiat-earthers
• Crypto enjoyoooors
• Bitcoin Maximalists

The four categories have almost nothing in common with each other except for one thing: they're all shitcoiners. When Bitstein wrote Everyone's a Scammer in 2014, the words "shitcoin" and "shitcoiner" were not yet part of the vernacular; mostly because Ethereum hadn't fully emerged from Vitalik's bowels by then. If those words had been more common in 2014, I suspect Bitstein would have written a similarly titled follow-up to his seminal work. However, unlike Bitstein, I am not an expert on Austrian economics, world affairs, philosophy, life, the universe, and everything. I also don't look like a 14-year old boy. Hence, my take will not be as inspiring and uplifting as his might have been. I'm here to administer the blackpill directly into your veins.

In the remainder of this shitpost, we will unpack why.

Normal human beings are shitcoiners

These are people we interact with on a daily basis: construction workers, shopkeepers, bus drivers, psychopharmacologists; you get the picture. All carrying on with their affairs blissfully unaware of Bitcoin, the lightning network, macroeconomic headwinds, Melania Trump's latest NFT drop, or SBF's beanbag. They lead their lives in the uneasy and unstable equilibrium that contentment brings. Some have 401k's, others have oat-milk chai tea lattes, still others pursue hobbies such as knitting, origami, and bungee-jumping. Oblivious to the fragile and tenuous nature of the reality they think they live in, they carry on carrying on.

But incognizance does not imply absolution. Anyone arguing otherwise is on the slippery slope of moral relativism. Being inured to life due to the sheer velocity of everyday events is not a defense. They're hapless victims who've gullibly, without a moment of reflection or discernment, bought into the greatest con of all time: this is all fine. Shut up and take my money.

Therefore, they are shitcoiners.

Not that there's anything wrong with it

Our salvation into a hyperbitcoinized world should not be through a violent or bloody revolution. Blood and violence make things very messy and inconvenient. They kill the vibe, especially if you're trying to relax with a cigar on a quiet beachfront. If all normal human beings had their moment of revelation at exactly the same time, the fabric of society as we know it would crumble and collapse, akin to a collective total perceptive vortex. We want a gentle off ramp, with our normal friends heroically holding fort and making sure that five-alarm fires get extinguished, cardiothoracic surgeries get done, and the espresso assembly line ticks along as scheduled, while each of them in due course have their eyes gently massaged open. The white rabbit will appear when the normal human is ready for it, and we should thank them for their perseverance and service.

Fiat-earthers are shitcoiners

This group needs minimal preamble, introduction, and dissection. They include Keynesian economists, Reaganomists, politicians, bureaucrats, investment bankers, VCs, CNBC and Bloomberg hosts, NYT and WaPo columnists, and that annoying uncle at Thanksgiving dinner who couldn't stop gushing about Trump hitting China with tariffs to protect the primacy of the dollar.

Possessed with a clear understanding of the system as it stands today, this group sets to work daily on societal narrative formation, typically on Twitter. The best case defense of this group is that they are willfully ignorant of the evil they are engendering. Their behavior and actions might not always explicitly state it, but everything they do is an act of de facto worship of the greatest and most lethal shitcoin of them all - the US dollar (and by extension, its other fiat cousins).

It is almost tautological then to deem fiat-earthers as shitcoiners.

Crypto enjoyoooors are shitcoiners

This is a pretty easy one too. We're all too familiar with NFT enthusiasts, yield farmers, defi 2.0 connoisseurs, alt-L1 proponents, and the most dangerous sub-group of the lot: the "Bro, I get you bro, I'm done with crypto and shitcoin bro, it's all a scam bro, from now on bro, it's only going to be Bitcoin and Ethereum bro" bros.

What more can I say about a group that several more eloquent poets than me haven't already (here, here, and here for just a small taste)? Just this: shitcoiners are shitcoiners.

Bitcoin maximalists are shitcoiners

If you've spent a reasonable amount of time on the cesspool of misery that is Twitter, and its slightly more tolerable sub-sect of Bitcoin Twitter, one thing ought to be clear by now: there is no true Bitcoiner.

Oh, don't @ me, snowflake. Yes, yes, I've heard it all before. You read the sovereign individual twice before your 25^th birthday. You can recite Bitcoin is Time backwards in your sleep in iambic pentameter. You only eat one meal a day consisting of grass-fed beef liver. You've made the top 50 list for events published on Nostr. You sun your balls. I get it, you tried your best to check all the maxi boxes. But you didn't. Why? Because you're not a true bitcoiner, that's why.

Let's explore a couple of conversational templates that have been instantiated countless times, especially on Twitter.

Template 1 - Technology Fail

You, a devout and earnest Bitcoiner: Hey, I stayed humble and stacked sats today

Self anointed Bitcoin Maximalist (SABM): Yeah, but did you move them to cold storage?

You: Yeah, they're on my hardware wallet

SABM: Is it airgapped?

You: Yes of, course

SABM: High-entropy seed?

You: yes, look, I still carry my dice with me

SABM: Non-kyc?

You: Well normally, yes, but I wasn't at my computer today, so I used Coinbase out of convenience. But I immediately moved it to cold-storage, though.

SABM: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You did what now? A kyc exchange you said? I knew it. In fact I knew it the other day when I saw you order salad with your steak. You're not one of us. Begone, shitcoiner!

Tempalte 2 - Culture Fail

SABM: Are you blocked by Nic Carter on Twitter?

You: Yes, he blocked me even before the 2022 pop-hit, "My Star will Continue to Rise" by David Cavan Fraser was released.

SABM: Have you deleted McCormack's podcast from all your devices?

You: Yes, he's an ersatz Bitcoiner. I want nothing to do with him.

SABM: Pureblood?

You: 100%. Would never let that devil-juice in me.

SABM: Seal claps at every step Bukele takes?

You: Well look, this is a complicated issue. I applaud him for his foresight to embrace the future of money, and his courage to take such a significant risk in the face of threats from the IMF and the rest. I think it's incredible that a nation state has adopted bitcoin as legal tender so soon. At the same time, it also concerns me a little bit that he can occasionally seem like ..."

SABM: Aha! I knew it! I knew it the moment I saw you that there was something wrong with you. And now you've confirmed it. You're no true bitcoiner. You're a WEF puppet regurgitating mainstream lies. Begone, shitcoiner!

And there you have it. You can think you're doing everything right, and pass every single purity test that comes your way, but you will eventually find that one purity test that you fail. And that makes you, dear reader, not a true bitcoiner. Not just you, but all of us. Not only are bitcoin maximalists not true bitcoiners, they're actually shitcoiners.

That's the blackpill

But that's ok

A revolution of this magnitude, one that reshapes the meaning of money and value, even if it's going to be a (mostly) peaceful one, needs to have standards and discipline for its champions. That's what purity tests end up becoming: a bullshit controller. A complacency monitor. A tough-love wake-up call in case you were drifting off, seduced by the mirage of comfort and contentment from within the fiat matrix. You might walk away in despondence or maybe even anger after failing one. But once those mists of emotion clear, you will once again remember why you were here in the first place. Bitcoin isn't about you and your feelings. It isn't about the person who's triumphed over you in the purity stakes. It transcends such pettiness.

We're Bitcoin fundamentalists, and we've got each other's backs. We won't let the other slack. We're marching towards the land of hope and freedom, resolutely in reverse until the clock strikes midnight in Moscow.